The thing with being alone
We all know these days, when the weight of the world seams to overwhelm us. We all sometimes feel alome and sometimes we realize, that we are not alone witg our thoughts.
I can be alone, on my own. And I am repeating this words over and over while I am hoping that I am believing it myself. Maybe not now, but one day. Because I can be alone. I have to be on my own.
The backpack I am wearing is filled with thoughs and many questions I can’t find answers to that quickly. All the time, I am asking myself who could carry this backpack for me. To lift some weight off of my shoulders, to make my current life situation a little bit easier. How badly I would like to lean against someone who I can pass to the responsibility of will power to keep on fighting.
This is my way, my marathon, my own sea where I have to fight, to keep my head above the surface. And I swim and swim because I do not know what else to do. So badly, I wished for a life belt, for answers to my questions and finally a feeling of home. To not have to fight anymore. Just to breathe. To be there, to be snug.
Basically, I just can do this on my own. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be scared. It is okay to feel alone. It is totally fine to feel, whaever I am feeling, because I have this feeling for a reason. There are wonderful people out there, who have an open ear for me. I know, I am heard but still just stared at. They say, they do understand me, because I put my feelings into words to gasp for them. They understand me but can not retrace what I am talking about. Because I do believe that we understand each other, because we experienced a similar feeling, but not because we experienced the exact same sitation the same way. I mean: how? We are all individuals and that’s why we can not experienced or sympathize the situation in the very same way. And some days the frustration about this fact can be so insane because we realize again that we are on our owns. So it’s easier to push away somebody or to distance from someone because we feel missunderstood and then we understand, we are even more alone. How paradox this is.
Maybe I am alone, but not left alone. Yes, I am not all alone. Because there is somenbody who takes my hand, who hold me in his / her arms and tells me that everything is going to be fine. Doesn’t matter how hard this fight is, I don’t have to walk though it on my own. Sometimes, this wonderful people are not necessarily problem solvers, but rather supporters.
Being alone changes poeple, because there is so much and so little to feel at the same time. Sometimes we find out that being with others does not necessarily temper the feeling of being lonely. But that being alone means fear and sometimes loss. And sometimes, then we realize that company does not solve so much when they are still all the same but you changed. So I am searching for something that might be good for me, because even sometimes the feeling of being alone is comfortable, it might already turned into loneliness.
Then, I fight for me, because I just can feel better, when I am actually doing something for that. So I forced myself to laugh, to mingle with people, to go out and I know then everything just seems to be so wonderful. If all of this would not cost so much effort, if the loneliness would not so easily return when the night comes and everything gets so quiet. Because being alone should not hurt myself so much.
Sometimes, we all need our own spaces, sometimes this is important and necessary. To inhale deeply and exhale. To bring my thoughts into order. To find my swimming rhythm, excapt of paddling aimless in the sea. But to mainly not be dependant from other people. Because we are on our owns again and again. And it is its own kind of art to be good in being independant and on our own. Being alone often is something we associate with something negative but it is nothing else then being on its own. To feel inside of us, what we need and to put this into action. Because we can reach so much for ourselves. I can stand up for myself, I can be strong. The most important decisions are the ones, I always have to make for my own and I am the person I will be with, every single second of my life.
I have the possibility to accept help. But this is just help. At the end I have to battle my own fight and my own backpack which I have to carry. So yes, I will always be alone partly. In doing so, it is my own decision what I make out of it. I can stay on my own or I can decide to be sorrounded by other people. I might be alone – but not lonely.